As soon as you know who the other contestants are, head straight into the nearest toilet cubicle at the airport and Google the hell outta them. You need links to family members so you can start building a story that grows trust: “Yeah, I know your little sister, Lisa. We used to do athletics together at high school”, or, “Oh really, your kids go to Gladstone? Yeah, my cousin is the principal there”.
These important lies will help bond you to the other celebs – you’re building trust, intimacy and alliances so they can keep you alive in the game. Someone will be loath to “put up” a family friend on the chopping block over another random. Deception is your bestie.
2. Smuggling in the good stuff
The producers check your bags before you get dumped in the middle of nowhere. Everyone has to lay all their gear out on the ground and they comb through it. I saw someone get their eyebrow-pluckers confiscated – the horror, the horror.
But wait, fellow celebs, there’s good news: You are allowed to take makeup, because, hey – we’re celebs and we need to look hot on the telly. (If you knew who I was, you’d agree, I looked damn hot.)
Soap is okay, but not shampoo or conditioner. You have to hand in all your medication to the “nurse” and it gets handed out daily or as required – otherwise peeps would be popping pills left and right.
There is definite room for smuggling here. Hot tip: sew sleeping pills into the hem of your trackpants.
Forget the party pills. You’re about to live in close quarters with a bunch of people who snore and others who are so boring you will want to knock yourself out. Sleeping pills are a must.
3. Under the radar
In the first few days, a lot of the show ponies come out – you wanna fly under the radar. Keep your head down; laugh at their HILARIOUS jokes.
Target some key players and quietly build trust with the amazing amount of family connections that you weirdly seem to have (remember the importance of those sweet little lies). “Oh, you were an All Black? Wayne Smith is my mum’s cousin…” Keep it just obscure enough not to get caught out – but with a nice little link to that person’s inner life. Create a warm feeling of fake togetherness.
4. Be humble and shut up
Let the ponies talk about the ponies. Keep an eye out for other people who are playing a quiet game. They are the smart ones.
5. Spice, salt, heat… and popularity
Teams are provided with rice and kidney beans… that’s it! After about four days of eating nothing but rice and beans for every meal, imagine how popular you’ll be when you bust out your own spice. Prohibited, of course.
Here’s the key: toothpaste is allowed. So, squeeze out that toothpaste from the tube and squeeze in the Kaitāia Fire. You will be super-popular with your team at meal times and your food will be way better than the other team’s.
Just like that, you’ve made yourself someone your team needs to keep.
Celebrity Treasure Island premieres on September 9 on TVNZ and TVNZ+.
