This season’s 18 celebs have been pre-divided into two teams – Aihe, which translates as dolphin, and Wētā, which translates as giant nightmarish bug.

As they paddle towards their respective corners of what we’ll continue to call “the Island” for the duration of this column instead of the more accurate descriptor of “the beach”, it looks like the producers may indeed have treasure on their hands.

They’ve put together a diverse bunch that includes sports legends, comedians, politicians, actors, a model, a drag queen and a pitbull broadcaster. All going well this lot will deliver the juicy, backstabby drama we’re all tuning in for.

The exotic, deserted Treasure Island the celebs have washed up on this season is the North Island. Specifically the tourist-friendly sands of Coromandel’s Te Whanganui-o-Hei/Cathedral Cove.

Sadly, the competition kicks off not with drama or excitement. Nor with thrills and spills. Instead, we see our 18 celebrities on their hands and knees digging furiously, mostly incompetently, in the sand for buried treasure.

“I don’t think I look very attractive doing this,” infomercial queen Suzanne Paul correctly asserts as her hands paw at the sand. “I’m like a dog on all fours.”

Half-heartedly scooping away on another corner of the sand is All Blacks legend Christian Cullen. He’s also not feeling it.

“When you see a dog digging a hole, they just love it,” he says, before adding with quiet devastation, “It wasn’t my cup of tea.”

With mere seconds to spare, former Warriors star/sports commentator Wairangi Koopu digs up the treasure, securing the Wētā captaincy, the elimination immunity that comes with it, and the prize of choosing the opposing team’s captain.

The teams are then led off to finally meet at the first team challenge of the season.

“Wot’s Duncan Garner doin’ ‘ere?” Paul splutters after spotting the veteran broadcaster. “What’s ‘e doin?”

Getting dunked on, mostly. First, Paul labels him “a pussycat”, before former weather boy and ex-Labour politician Tāmati Coffey slyly asks how Garner’s famously cancelled radio show is going. Zing!

“I’m sensing some real beef here,” Dunkedon Garner says later.

But there’s no time to lick wounds – or pour more salt in them – as the team challenge gets under way. It’s a race that sees the teams using large, unwieldy poles to hook small, suspended sand sacks that are then ziplined over to their teammates who must toss them into a rotating target. The first team to successfully toss six sacks wins.

The prize is desirable; a bundle of fishing gear. Meaning, theoretically at least, hunger won’t be a concern for the winning team.

“I love fishing,” Dunkedon Garner says, openly salivating.

She may be one of netball’s greatest defenders, but former Silver Fern captain Casey Kopua is straight on the offensive for Wētā, sending three sacks straight down the zipline.

Ahie narrow the gap and soon both teams are tossing sacks at the target. Male model Vinne Woolston and Cullen keep their respective teams, Wētā and Aihe, neck-and-neck as the target rotates around.

To get it back in position, Wētā’s Dunkedon Garner begins firing bombs at it, while his nemesis Coffey takes matters into his own hands for Aihe. Literally.

Under the pretense of picking up a wayward sack, he grabs the target and twists it back into position.

“Hey! He just turned it!” Koopu yells, rage flashing in his eyes.

“There’s a million cameras around here, did he think we weren’t gonna see?” Tomasel laughs in disbelief.

Despite the jeers of his Wētā opponents and the recorded evidence, Coffey maintains his innocence, suggesting, “It might have been a light breeze that turned the platform around.”

He is disqualified. “Even I didn’t get disqualified,” Savali says, shaking his head.

The slight advantage secures the win for Wētā. Not only did they get to select Paul as Aihe’s captain, but now they also get to choose who to put against her in the season’s first Captain’s Coup – a challenge where the captaincy is the prize.

Drag queen Spankie Jackzon says they want their choice to “create chaos”. They strategically decide on Foliaki, reasoning an actor’s ego would not allow him to lose.

The pair face off in the CTI classic challenge, Kūmara in a Box. They both stand in front of a box. One has a kūmara inside, one doesn’t. At the end of the game, the winner is the one with the kūmara in their box.

It’s not at all clear if Paul actually knows what a kūmara is. She claims the vegetable is in her box then, under fire from Foliaki’s questions, she describes it as “quite a dark orange one” that’s “knobbly” and “could feed six people”.

Foliaki’s side-eye shows he ain’t picking up what she’s putting down. Then, in a massive twist, he flips the expected script.

“I don’t think we’ve seen enough of her as a captain,” he says, before looking into her soul and asking, “Aunty, do you have the kūmara?”

Paul cracks.

“No,” she gulps.

“What?!?” Foliaki explodes.

“I think we picked the wrong person,” Koopu sighs as Foliaki moves in front of the losing box, ensuring Paul continues as captain and gaining himself a powerful ally for the weeks ahead.

So, did CTI deliver? After its slow start, it perked up. Thanks to Coffey’s cheating and the flurry of jabs at Dunkedon Garner, the team rivalry raced straight into the redline. With Aihe’s double losses, they have a lot to prove, while Wētā’s two attempts at sabotage spectacularly backfired.

While it may not have been TV gold, it wasn’t fool’s gold either. For now, let’s call it gold-plated entertainment.

Celebrity Treasure Island airs Mondays to Wednesdays at 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and is available on TVNZ+

Karl Puschmann is an entertainment columnist for the Herald. His fascination lies in finding out what drives and inspires creative people.