OPINION

Just in case you thought Married At First Sight NZ was all PG and no 13, think again. One bride is feeling all the toe tingles from a sunscreen application, while another is accusing her groom of coming on a reality show for self-promotion.

Outrageous.

It’s only natural we start the episode reminding everyone love really does exist, so we quickly check in on James and Sam and immediately feel as if we’ve walked in on two teenagers who weren’t meant to have the door shut.

The brief is cute with a side of sexy, so the pair do what any new couple with a bunch of sexual tension would do and start rubbing sunblock all over each other. Just like eating a sour lolly, we screw our face up before realising, no, we were being judgy, it actually is quite sweet.

Almost too stunned to speak, the giggly bride tells us, “Strong arms,” adding, “he’s got a very nice body.”

Meanwhile, James sticks to the script, using a line that men have been using for centuries to describe the girl they like, “I mean, have you seen her? She’s hot.”

Adorable.

Sensing that the non-romantic viewers are quickly losing focus, expert Jo Robertson reins us in and explains that the brides and grooms have been so good, she’s going to reward them with some socialising.

“My hope out of this time is that they feel supported,” she says, and we agree, James can support them all with his strong arms.

“They also look on to other couples and go ‘huh, here are where our strengths are’ and also, ‘Mm, here are where our vulnerabilities are and what can we do about those’.”

We pause the show and quickly run to get some emotional support snacks.

Meeting at the pool, Steph and Piripi are the first to arrive, which works well for Steph because it means she has the best seat in the house to play Bumble: MAFS NZ edition.

“Nate’s an attractive guy,” she tells the confession cam as Nate and Maddy arrive. “He seems like he’s an interesting character.”

It’s the exact line our single co-worker uses to describe the new employee, before sending us a flurry of Slack messages about how work crushes are healthy because they keep your sick days under 10 a year.

Then Mike catches her eye, “the hat and the sarong, just very BDE”, she giggles.

For those who don’t have Gen Zs in life, BDE is Big D**k Energy. You don’t have to say it, we know and we’re sorry for your loss of faith in humanity.

Thankfully, Maddy regrounds us with a comment about Mike’s beard, “Yeah, look, I’m not really into that. I feel like that would just kind of scratch the fanny a little bit.”

We give it three days before someone uses the line for a TikTok remix.

Finally, Sam and James slip, slop, slap their way out of their love bubble and Maddy notes they have a “little sparkle” about them, while Kara says, “Sam and James look like they have a pretty cute connection going on.”

We agree.

“They’re only 12 hours into their marriage. I know what it’s like when it’s early days.”

We agree again.

Naturally, the brides and grooms separate and it’s the lads who win an award for the biggest deep and meaningful.

After one day of marriage, our soft-hearted James channels the same energy as our mum in 2003, when Jude Law was suddenly single with three young children, and he asks for advice about how to be a great step-parent.

It’s his moment to shine, but only for a second because Mike has something to say.

“I have a daughter.” We gape, like a fish. Glub glub. Clearly, our FBI-level stalking skills for the pre-show profile need a bit of work.

“She’s 7 and she lives over in Perth with her mum, so I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like,” he says. “I’ve got her picture on the end of my bed so she’s the first thing I look at every single morning, and she’s just the cutest little thing and I love her deeply.”

Suddenly, Steph’s BDE title for Mike is upgraded to DILF, and we can’t help but wonder if Kara knows about Mike’s seemingly secret child.

Speaking of Kara, it’s her turn to have the magic talking stick in the girls’ circle: “For me, there’s not an immediate attraction there, he is genuinely the sweetest human being and everything that I want, but yeah, I am struggling a little bit at the moment. The sparks aren’t there for me.”

The meeting notes read: “No sparks, nice, no sparks.”

Sneaking off to have a chat, Kara saved the best gossip for her on-screen BFF, Steph.

“I can’t lie, I’m feeling very overwhelmed,” she says, and Steph immediately leans in. Ears? On. Mouth? Ready to gasp. Tea? Piping hot. “I feel like he’s dulling me down a little bit.”

We grab our torch.

“He’s got this King energy; it almost feels like he’s above everyone else,” she says, “I’m just like, it’s not the Mike show.”

We couldn’t agree more. This is MAFS NZ and while M is in the name, it surprisingly doesn’t stand for Mike.

Steph tells Kara she’s like Ariel and has lost her voice and Kara is gobsmacked. The Disney princess isn’t even close to 6ft. God Steph. She’s clearly more of a Sex and the City character like Samantha, who is also a tall blonde who identifies as a “bad bitch”.

“I have concerns he’s got a fairly new business, he’s got products, he talked to me about negotiating those products are seen within this process,” the water begins bubbling with Kara’s rage. “Are you here to find a wife or are you here to get f***ing exposure for your f***ing brand?”

Wait, people go on reality TV for exposure?

After a chat with her hype girl, Kara has found the shell with her voice in it, and she’s off to use it.

“There’s a couple of things I’m struggling with that I need to get off my chest”, she tells Mike. “I’m trying to be touchy-feely, but for me I’m just not there physically yet.”

It’s difficult feedback for Mike to hear, mostly because he’s preoccupied trying to manually straighten his beard.

“I feel like I lost my voice a little bit with you and I’ve been trying to find it again,” she says.

Mike snaps back from his daydream cinematic universe just in time to reply, “It feels like you’re bailing after two days.”

Somewhere in New Zealand, a kid is mixing baking soda and Coke. It is an exact representation of how our bride feels about that statement.

“I feel like your personality is so big it’s like overshadowing mine,” she tells Mike, who asks if that makes her feel uncomfortable.

Obviously, Mike, shadows are cold.

“I need to find myself amongst your big King energy,” she explains, and Mike tries not to smile at being called King.

But Kara isn’t done yet. Like any good star, she’s saved the best accusation for the encore, “I am concerned about the reason that you’re here,” she says. “I think with the company and wanting to negotiate your products onto the show, I’m not exactly confident that you’re here for the wife, you know what I mean.”

Mike acts shocked, “I don’t need my character brought up like this,” he says. “I have just as much to lose as you, as everyone else here. This is just not making sense.”

Mike decides there is only one thing left to do — take 0 per cent of the blame.

“Is this because you’re not feeling anything for me and you’re possibly trying to put smoke and mirrors in front of it?”

Kara says no and considers storming off, but the light is hitting her just right and she looks amazing, so she pushes through.

“No, I don’t think that’s the case at all,” she says. “I think if I’m going to be open-minded and think is there a way forward, I want to believe there’s a way forward with someone who hasn’t got things in the background,”

“We’ve all got things in the background,” Mike says, and we couldn’t agree more. For example, we have a bookshelf, Kmart wall art and a BFF with her jaw on the floor.

The two eventually part ways, and Mike tells the confession cam he doesn’t know what Kara is asking of him or what her needs are. How is he ever meant to find her the perfect supplement with such an undetailed brief?

All will be revealed tomorrow.

Married At First Sight New Zealand airs on Three and ThreeNow every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.