OPINION

Tonight’s episode of Married At First Sight NZ includes the first dinner party of the season, leaving the future of one marriage in the same shape as a question mark, and another couple making a decision that has us stop, drop and rolling on the floor.

But before we can practise how to get out of a house when it’s on fire, we catch up with Maddy and Nate, whose marriage is actually on fire.

John Aiken suggests in an effort to save their nuptials that they pretend they’re a couple of best friends on a vacation who made it out of the group chat. Naturally, we expect plenty of giggles, cheap picnic dates and fights about who booked the scody Airbnb.

What we get in return is plenty of giggles, a cheap picnic date, and Maddy being really positive about the whole thing. “I don’t think it’s going to change the outcome in terms of going into a romantic relationship.”

Dang. Two out of three.

Meanwhile, the producers appear to have left breadcrumbs on the floor leading us all the way to Jesse and CJ’s love pad. What we find is better than any porridge Goldilocks could have dreamed of.

“We’re so surface level at this stage,” CJ tells us. “It’s really hard to dig a little deeper and actually find out what does Jesse want in the future? Does he want kids? How many kids?”

Exactly, does he want two kids or four? If he wants four they’re definitely going to have to look at a Mitsubishi Outlander instead of a VW Golf and that requires emotional preparation — especially when it comes to parking in Auckland’s Ponsonby Rd.

For more Married At First Sight NZ news and all the recaps, click here.

Over at James and Sam’s, a transformation even Trinny and Susannah would be proud of is under way.

“I was enjoying life six weeks ago as a single guy, you know, playing cricket and doing manly things,” James tells his wife, who giggles away as she covers him in quick tan.

James, welcome to Marrinate Thursday. On the agenda is a FaceTime gossip with the girls while you awkwardly walk around in an old AS Colour T-shirt waiting for the first coat to dry, followed by practising your best “no, my tan really is natural!” line in the mirror.

After a quick shower in which the floor turns orange and a bronzed prince emerges, the couples make their way to the dinner party, and James’ new tan isn’t the only thing turning heads.

Nate arrives on his own.

Consider us too stunned to speak, consider Mike intrigued: “A little shocking,” he tells the confession cam. “You expect everyone to come in as a partner.”

Like the seagulls in Mission Bay around some discarded fish and chips, the couples flock to ask where Maddy is and Nate is more clueless than when you ask a Gen Z what the phonetic alphabet is. “I don’t know where Maddy is, I don’t know if she’s coming or not,” he says.

Thankfully, before he can get any more grilling, CJ and Jesse walk in. She immediately tells everyone day three is as bad as they all said it would be.

“What happened on day three?” Mike breaks the lingering silence

“Oh, literally nothing,” CJ replies.

Don’t be like that, speak your truth, girl.

“We just had a little bit of a — it wasn’t even an argument or anything …” She gets interrupted by Jesse.

“Just a misunderstanding,” he says with a chuckle.

We pretend we have a beard as impressive as Mike’s and stroke it wisely.

“What was the actual little thing,” Mike asks.

“It was a toothbrush,” Jesse says. Our beard tells us there is more to this story, but there’s no time to pry as the one, the only, Maddy walks in the door like the main character we knew she was on day one.

“How you feeling, Mads?” Mike asks

“Ah, full of emotions I think,” she tells the group. “It’s been so incredible, I’m so blessed for everything that’s happened, but it is sad,” she adds, tearing up.

In an effort to outrun the tears, the group relocate to the dinner table, but the producers have other plans. The drama quota hasn’t been hit tonight, so they’ve not only got rid of some poor, unsuspecting goldfish, but used its home as a question jar for their dinner party entertainment.

Nate grabs a question out of the bowl. “Do you think I’m the right person for you long term?” Yikes. “No, don’t take any offence, Maddy. You’re a beautiful soul; you deserve nothing but the best.”

Amen.

Taking her husband outside for a deep and meaningful, Maddy reminds us all it’s confessions week and tells her husband his admission does not hurt her, but she is looking for some honesty more brutal than the Whittaker’s press release announcing a price increase.

“Are you willing to sort of look at what Jo and John were saying or do you just want to say cut it and go now? Because it is hard to try and find a friendship when I personally just don’t feel like you’re even bothered to do that,” she says.

Hearts break, divorcees feel triggered and we give the couple some privacy to go check on CJ, who is finally telling us what happened on day three.

“I think I read situations quite well, and I felt like something was off, so I asked, and he said nothing was wrong, and I was like, well, to me, it feels like it is.”

CJ explains she then went to the gym and it made Jesse feel as if she had abandoned him, but she didn’t pick up on that, so Mike asks the question on everyone’s lips. “If you say you’re good at reading things, how couldn’t you read that?”

Move over Jack Tame; Q+A has a new host.

Lucky, CJ doesn’t need to explain the logic of her sixth sense because Maddy and Nate walk in.

“We have something to share with you all,” Maddy announces. We grimace. Don’t say it, please don’t say it.

“It is with a heavy heart that we will no longer be continuing in this experiment.”

NOOOOOOOO.

Jo and John look devastated, they didn’t see this coming. Not even when Maddy said yesterday she doesn’t know how to move forward. We all need one to three business days to process this.

“Nate just isn’t my person,” Maddy explains. “I think I knew that the moment I saw him when I walked down that aisle, but I held on to the faith and the trust of why we were put together.”

It should be illegal to feel this sad about MAFS NZ.

“I was here to find love, I was here to find that special person,” Nate tells us. “It just didn’t happen, it’s quite sad.”

You’re telling us, going through a box of tissues wasn’t on our bingo card today, yet here we are.

After the couples say goodbye to Maddy and Nate, we are about to pack up our things when suddenly, the producers bait us and naturally, we must bite.

Using the same tactics we did when Mum and Dad were discussing our Christmas presents as kids, they pull a sneaky and record CJ and Jesse when they think no one is listening.

“I am trying to be open and honest with you and you just shut me down,” CJ exclaims. “By me trying to have a conversation with you and you can’t give me anything.”

Jesse tells her she can’t just expect him to open up like she’s his wife. Honestly, brides these days.

“See, this is where the immaturity comes in,” she says.

If we could see the couple right now, we’re sure Jesse would look like Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls. Big, red and with an evil look on his face.

“This is me having an actual adult conversation,” CJ tells him.

“Stop belittling me,” Jesse barks back. “We’ve known each other for three days and you make an argument about me with a toothbrush, do you think that’s going to make me …”

“It’s not an argument about a toothbrush,” CJ butts in.

“All I want to say is that if that happens on day three, do you think that’s going to make an individual open up more? Or close them in more?” he says, initiating plan B — blame your wife for you being emotionally closed off on a dating show where you said you wanted to be open and find love.

CJ suddenly gets a degree in psychology. “This is very interesting because the way that I tried to talk to you tonight was very direct and the way that you’ve just come back at me and tried to make it like it’s my fault …”

She ponders a moment, checking her notes before giving her diagnosis, “You’re obviously very immature.”

Jesse is many things; a golden retriever, a last-minute toothbrush buyer and a guy who makes plans for Crate Day at the aisle of his MAFS NZ wedding, but immature? Pfff.

“Are you loopy?” He chuckles, igniting a rage inside of CJ. “I think you are, you’re delusional.”

We add “name calling” to our list of How to Be Mature and set an alarm for tomorrow night’s episode.

Married At First Sight New Zealand airs on Three and ThreeNow every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.