Tonight’s Married At First Sight NZ episode sees one groom make a Pinterest board of the next five years of his life, while another couple is dry-retching 300 metres in the air.

Grab your buckets, kids; we’re throwing up metaphorically and literally.

Picking up where we left off, Sam is telling her new husband that she has a 5-year-old son, and instead of running off to find the closest pub and his mates, James is looking for a celebrant to make their elopement official.

“I’ve always wanted ‘em,” he tells his blushing bride, who reads the room and confesses she wants more.

Hey, producers, can we get this man his dream life presentation board? He’s ready to show Sam their future complete with a Mitsubishi Outlander, matching Asics gym shoes and G.J. Gardner home.

It’s so adorable it’s almost sickly and if we’re being honest with each other, not the reason we tune into Mafs NZ. Thankfully, Maddy’s scream has our ears perking up.

“Just casually freaking out,” she tells the confession cam. Is it because you’re on reality TV for the whole of New Zealand’s entertainment? Are the Vanuatu mozzies eating your legs? Is your husband really not your type?

“Quite scared of heights.”

Ah, so close.

Maddy and Nate are on their first date, and instead of walking around Mission Bay with an ice cream like other people, they are going zip lining. It seems like a great choice.

“Holy shit, I’m so nervous,” she tells Nate, who thinks she is actually pretty chill, and, unlike Sam, he doesn’t know how to read a room.

“You’ll be fine,” he tells her and more or less pushes her onto a bridge several hundred metres off the ground, provoking a panic attack.

The guardian angels say no.

“I get a little bit of dry retching, I get a little bit nervous, yeah, I’m starting to panic,” Maddy tells the confession cam, but a short tear break later and a chat with the universe, she’s ready to go and we’re screaming from the sidelines, “Go get ‘em girl!”

Over at a dreamy swimming hole, Steph’s taking her son on an adventure to get some of his chaotic energy out. Sorry, that’s her husband, she’s taking her husband on an adventure.

“Piripi grabbed me and pretended to throw me in,” she tells the confession cam before the producers give us a live action replay. “It made me feel quite obviously annoyed.”

While we know we are meant to be thinking, “Omg Piripi, grow up, mate,” all we can think is, Steph is what we could look like if we actually used our gym membership.

Okay, back to business.

“Don’t! It’s not f**king funny,” she tells her husband who begs to differ. All she wanted was a nice relaxing afternoon, and what did she get? One out with the kids after they’ve been at Grandma’s and eaten all the Freddo Frogs.

“He apologised and I was like it’s okay, don’t do it, it’s fine and he like grabbed me again and pretended to throw me off again,” she says.

Ruined your chance, kid, 10 minutes in the naughty corner, please. Just kidding, you can’t keep a grown man down and Piripi sneaks past Mum before diving into the water.

Steph has to dive in with him to stop her blood from boiling.

The tense music begins playing and we know the show isn’t over yet. “You can apologise profusely and then do it immediately again, how can I trust you?” Steph tells the confession cam.

“How can I trust that your apology meant anything the first time or even the second time? And then if you look at the big picture, how can I accept your apology for anything?” she asks.

It’s here the producers decide to give us some context.

Coming in hotter than Piripi, we’re taken back to Aiken and Steph’s pre-experiment chat, where he asks, “Do you feel like you’ve got trust issues?”

A delayed reply from our bride confirms it before she does, “Yes.”

Our jaw is on the floor. It’s a revelation more outrageous than Mike’s bedazzled glasses last week.

Steph tears up telling the expert that she has been cheated on and her friends knew about it. We have major sympathy. If we were Beyoncé we’d be writing Lemonade part two right now, but we aren’t, so we sit on the edge of our seats and watch the rest of Steph and Piripi’s date play out.

“So, do you have any thoughts on me from the last 24 hours?” Piripi asks his wife as they sit down for a picnic, and we’re ready for Steph to serve up a big old dish of ‘You’re a man-child’ stew.

“You’re super, like,” she says. Here it comes, “Kind and thoughtful. I feel like you’re super considerate of me and my space which is really nice.”

Huh? It seems like Steph has borrowed a forgiveness crystal from Maddy and is ready to lean into her delusion is the solution era.

“Do you feel like emotions and what you’re feeling are something you struggle to talk about?” she asks Piripi and he confesses yes, absolutely.

He’s a classic Kiwi bloke, toxic masculinity is a core value right next to tall poppy syndrome. Duh.

After a much-needed deep and meaningful chat, during which Steph called Piripi a beautiful person, the two have connected, the pineapple is fresh, and there’s nothing to see here.

Over at Maddy and Nate’s date, she’s changed her undies after hanging 300 meters in the air, so naturally, it’s time for a coffee and a yap.

“So, obviously there’s an age difference, just a little bit,” she exclaims.

Expert John Aiken tells us he’s worried the pair will be too concerned about their age gap and we see his point but Maddy isn’t Leonardo DiCaprio and Nate isn’t a 24-year-old mere days away from turning 25.

No need to warn TMZ of a break-up just yet.

“Just a little bit? You reckon?” We eat our words. Nate replies in a way that was most definitely intended to be funny and most definitely came out like an accidental insult to Maddy, her mum, her mum’s mum and maybe even her pet guinea pig.

Yikes.

“Is that an issue for you?” She doubles down, pondering how on earth she left her heart 300 meters in the air.

“It’s not an issue for me but it is quite a big age gap,” Nate says without elaborating further.

“So where do you see your future path going? That’s a better question,” she grins, realising the age question was maybe placed way too close to the sun and, quite frankly, she didn’t bring enough sunscreen to avoid getting burnt.

“So what I’m hoping for is kids,” he says. “I’m open for that, like 100 per cent. I want to see little me’s.”

Maddy’s ears perk up, we put the phone down and TMZ’s cut off.

“I definitely want kids, that’s something I want to do sooner rather than later,” she says. “But obviously not tomorrow or anything.”

Well, that would be impossible, kids take nine months to cook. What are we teaching in sex ed?

It’s back to Beauty and her prince – or Sam and James if you’re new here – and their body language tells us they may be a match made in heaven. It’s sweet, it’s ‘aww’ worthy, but it’s not recap-worthy.

That is until we discuss today’s date. “How do you feel about going snorkelling?” James asks his bride and we see her life flash before her eyes.

It’s worse than when Chris Hipkins said “spread your legs” on national television. What to do, what to do.

“It’s literally the last thing on the scale of things I’d like to do on a date,” she tells the confession cam. Heard, seen, understood queen. Hair takes a loooong time to dry and straighten, just ask Mike.

Sam decides she does actually want to give snorkelling a go, and the two embark on a date that is the perfect inspiration for a love ballad.

Meanwhile, Kara and Mike are “bonding”, according to Mike, and according to Kara, she is getting the ick.

“I can’t lie, I’m struggling on the attraction side of things right now,” she tells the confession cam. “I hope it will grow and I’ll find it, but yeah, the spark’s not quite there for me.”

Expert Jo Roberson explains society cares way too much about physical attraction and we’ve saved it for later in case a friend wants to tell us her new man is “way better looking in person”.

Somewhere on a boat, Steph and Piripi are still having big chats and she tells him she loves a festival, but not a guy who prioritises them over his girlfriend or family.

“Nah I get it, totally,” he agrees making a mental note to message his friends and tell them to pause on buying Rhythm and Vines tickets for the seventh year in a row.

“I’ve definitely got the party phase out of my system.”

Convincing.

“I know he’s genuine but I just hope he’s not giving me the answers that he thinks I want to hear and he’s actually giving me the answers that he means.”

Only one way to find out, see you tomorrow.

Married At First Sight New Zealand airs on Three and ThreeNow every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.